Yesterday, my dad turned 81. Forty-two years ago yesterday, my grandmother (his mother) passed away after a long struggle with Rheumatoid Arthritis. It just also happened to be my mother's due date - with me! It took another 10 days before I would arrive on the scene and they would give me the name that had also been hers; Elizabeth. She was so certain that I was a boy. But none-the-less, I'm sure she would have loved it that we share a name. Wish I could have met her. Wish she could have held on long enough for someone to lay me in her arms, even just once. Guess I just have to wait for Heaven.
Alas, I digress...So today, we went to one of dad's favorite restraunts for dinner to celebrate. It was wonderful to be together and celebrate. I think he really enjoys getting out and being with family. He gives more verbal indications of that, than he would have even a few months ago. I would imagine that it's rather lonely living with someone who now often does not seem like person you had lived with for almost 60 years. Mom is declining. It feels sometimes like it is going way to fast.
One of the peculiar things about diseases like Alzheimer's is that you see a change and you adjust. Then that starts to feel 'normal' and you find yourself thinking, "This isn't so bad. We can do this." About that time, another big change occurs and once again sends your world into a tail-spin. You fight to regain your balance and then the cycle begins again. Right now we are in the tail-spin part of that cycle. Prayer answered.
Really??? How could that be an answered prayer, you may ask? Months ago, I began praying that my mom would be able to attend and thoroughly enjoy my nephew's wedding in July. In fact, I enlisted a small army of people to pray. My mom came through with flying colors for the big weekend! It was such a joy to watch her that weekend, but yet bittersweet. The next "big" life event to occur will be my own daughter graduating from high-school. My dear, sweet mother may be with us still in body, but she will not be aware of that event in just under 3 years. I know that with all my being. I've struggled and mostly come to accept that, but it doesn't mean that I like it.
In my prayers I specifically petitioned God that she be able to be as "present" as possible for the wedding and after that? I would lay down any selfish desires that I had concerning my mom and trust God. It's now been just a little over a month since the wedding and mom has changed significantly in that month. It breaks my heart. It breaks all our hearts. My dad's heart is, I think, lying shattered everywhere.
Last week we got to spend some time at their house. My sister brought her grandbaby who is now almost two. After dinner, my mom was talking with her. Or more like, she was talking to mom in her own pseudo-language of half English and half toddler. I watched from across the table as my mom used an empty plastic glass as a make-shift hat. She would put it on her head and then when it would slide off, they would both laugh and laugh. Over and over she did this and never did the trick become old to either of them. Tears filled my eyes as I watched her play with the baby just like she would have with any of her grandchildren and for those moments, she was my mom. More tears came and come again now as I realized I would never be able to watch her play with my grandchildren like that. Such a cruel disease.
So, God answered my prayers! Yay, right? I think so, I guess. Maybe I'm wondering if I can get a 'take back'? Maybe I'm not ok with this? Maybe I'll never be okay with this? I don't honestly know today. Perhaps tomorrow will be better or it may come with more change, still. Daily, Jesus asks me to lay my requests at his feet and to trust him. I'm great at talking about that and I can even lay my requests before him. But, can I leave them there? That's a little more complicated, requires a lot more faith and a strong dose of dying to my own wants and desires. I guess I am still working on that one...or perhaps God is still working on me.
Yesterday, Tim Tebow, my daughter's #1 hero had this verse on his Facebook status. Jeremiah 26:14: "As for me, behold, I am in your hands; do with me whatever you think is good and right." Mom is in His hands. I know He is way bigger than this disease. Prayers were answered. I don't think I would ask for a "do-over" or a "take-back", even if I could.
