Always and Forever

"Your Mother is always with you.

She's the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street.

She's the smell of certain foods you remember,

flowers you pick, the fragrence of life itself.

She's the cool hand on your brow when you're not feeling well.

She's the breath in the air on a cold winter's day.

She is the sound of the rain that lulls you to sleep, the colors of the rainbow, she is Christmas morning.

Your mother lives inside your laughter.

She's the place you came from, your first home, and she's the map you follow with every step you take.

She's your first love, your first friend, even your first enemy, but nothing on earth can separate you; not time, not space...

not even death."

-Unknown



Nearing Home

Mom is nearing home. A process that we thought may take months, looks like it may take just days or possibly a week. Today mom no longer responded. The hospice nurses came several times today and told dad it would most likely be just a few more days. I'm in a stupor; wandering around the house not knowing what to do with myself. I vacillate between fight or flight; one moment ready to hit something and the next minute I want to run away to "someplace" safe. I'm just being honest here. I believe those thoughts and feelings to be part of the normal grieving process. Where I need to arrive at is surrender. My brain  knows that and my faith in God leads me there, but that selfish human part of me does not. As I said in the last post, this is what I want for her. I just did not realize how much it would hurt. But then Christ was intimately acquainted with that too. When Christ got to the home of his friends Mary, Martha and Lazarus and Lazarus had died the Bible says, "Jesus wept." According to the dictionary the term 'weep' means, "to express grief, sorrow or any overpowering emotion by shedding tears." Check. Did that today too. A dear friend "held me" over the phone while I wept.

In the previous post, I eluded to the "cocoon of Alzheimer's". That arose out of a desperate attempt to explain to my youngest daughter, Lexis then 9, what was happening to her Nanny and what would continue to happen. I explained that Nanny was a caterpillar and that Alzheimer's was like the cocoon that the caterpillar weaves before it can be transformed into a butterfly. I told her how Nanny's mind would become darker and darker until finally when the cocoon was complete that Nanny would no longer be able to talk and would just lie there. I believe that day was today. Then, at the moment that Nanny saw Jesus, she would emerge from the cocoon and be better and more beautiful than ever.  She would know how much she loved and how much she was loved. She would be changed and what we thought to be the end would actually be just the beginning; the beginning of her life eternal. Little did I know that several years ago, mom had discovered a Monarch butterfly just emerging from it's cocoon and showed both Lexis and Landon and patiently explained the miracle that was happening. The beautiful person who shared that with me yesterday had no way of knowing that I've always equated this process with the Monarch or how precisely I had explained it to Lexis. Amazing. God is amazing how he works and weaves this all together.

Last Saturday I got the wonderful privilege of spending some time with mom. Before I left, I went back into her room.  What propelled me there remains a "mystery", but obviously it was a prompting from the Spirit. Dad had started a CD of hymns and she seemed restless in her wheelchair.  I went toward her and put my arm around her. She laid her head against my chest and I just held her, stroked her hair and face and told her how much I loved her. The Old Rugged Cross was the hymn that was playing and I started singing to her. When the verse was over I asked her if she was ready for her crown and ready to see her mom and hold her baby girl. I could attest that it seemed like she nodded her head yes, but I truly have no idea if she did or not. But she was in the mood to cuddle. It was probably only a few moments that I stood there holding her, and it reminded me of a book that I used to read to my children. "I'll love you for forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my mommy you'll be." I used to tear up reading that to them, knowing that some day that would come true. Saturday that was my reality; and it was beautiful. I am blessed.

On a hill far away stood an old rugged cross,
The emblem of suffering and shame;
And I love that old cross where the dearest and best,
For a world of lost sinners was slain.
So I'll cherish the old rugged cross,
Till my trophies at last I lay down,
I will cling to the old rugged cross,
And exchange it someday for a crown.

It's Been Awhile.....

It's certainly been awhile since I've been here. Almost 2 1/2 years to be exact. Many things have happened since then; job changes, kids that have grown and changed and are now about to leave home, babies have been born and my mom has slipped into total darkness.  The cocoon that is Alzheimer's Disease has nearly finished spinning and enclosing her mind. 

I miss her. 

Part of not writing was the craziness that is my life with three children in about as many activities as you can imagine, but a bigger part still was that it simply became too painful to chronicle her deterioration into near total and complete darkness. On March 11, 2014 papers were signed and my momma was placed on hospice. She is nearing the end of her battle and will soon shed her cocoon.  This is what I want for her after all.... I think. I just don't look forward to the separation from her earthly body until we are reunited someday. That sounds really selfish as I type that. I don't want to hold her here, but I will miss holding her hand, rubbing her back and kissing her forehead. 

I have probably not mentioned enough about my dad. The man is worthy of sainthood, in my opinion. I believe most people go their entire lives without witnessing the type of love that my dad has displayed toward my mom in the last few years. It has been a thing of beauty to watch. What a blessing and a privilege to have a father who loves my mother so much that he would care for her like a parent cares for an infant; to the point that he was sacrificing his own health. Until January of this year, he cared for her in their home. After her second trip to the emergency department in less than a month it was time. As daughters, we thought the time had come long before that, but we wanted to respect his wishes to care for the love of his life as long as he could. It was so hard for him to realize that she would never occupy their home again and it broke our hearts as well. But mostly, I was relieved. She has had absolutely wonderful care and we are so thankful. We are also thankful that our parents had the foresight to obtain long-term care insurance. While still expensive, I cannot imagine how people do it without that. 

Daily, and sometimes multiple times a day, he goes to sit with her. She doesn't know who he is, but he knows who she is. He has tried so hard to encourage her to eat, but she no longer identifies food as a thing of pleasure and I believe her mind is no longer able to interpret hunger signals from her stomach. Chewing and swallowing is difficult and this is all a part of the end-stages of Alzheimer's. On hospice, we no longer have to feel the pressure to get her to eat. Food is, of course, still offered, but if she closes her mouth and refuses to eat, it's okay. She doesn't have to eat.  The hospice nurse has been wonderful; visiting several times a week to bring comfort, honor and dignity to mom and where she is in her life process. Gently they lead my dad through the process of saying good-bye. 

Savoring the moments is where I am these days.  When I rub her arm or hold her hand I try to memorize what it looks like and how it feels. Those hands who were so busy all her life and now sit idly. I had such an intimate moment with her a couple weeks ago, that I can't even speak of it here. For just  a moment God granted my mom clarify of mind, I believe, to tell me everything she would have told me (and all of us) if she had a mind that was well and two minutes to say everything she wanted. And then she gave me some instructions.  Instructions I will never forget and I was able to make her a promise. And then she was gone...back into the darkness of Alzheimer's. I was the recipient of a precious miracle from God and I will carry it with me always. 

I love her. 

We don't know how many weeks or months we have until her earthly body leaves us. But it's alright, because I know the One who does know. He preordained every one of her days before even one of them came to be. God loves her more than we ever could and He will gather her to Himself at the perfect moment and in the perfect way. It will be bittersweet. She has a daughter that she has never held and a mother she has not seen since she was 11. Parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends will greet her there and what a joyous reunion that will be.  But first, she will be welcomed into Heaven by her Savior, Jesus Christ. The one who paid a debt He did not owe because we all owe a debt we cannot pay and that it is only through His death, burial and resurrection that we can have eternal life. As wonderful as my mother was and for all the "good works" that she performed here on earth, they could never be enough. We cannot "work" our way into heaven or just hope to gain entry because we did more "good" than "bad". It's gift that is offered to us if we just accept it; our faults and all. She would want you to know that. 

The Lady Who Runs the Restroom...

Laughter is the best medicine. Of that, there is no doubt. In the midst my my mom's declining mental capacity there have been, believe it or not, moments that have literally left us doubled-over with laughter; although often accompanied by tears. Recently, Sue and I decided that someday we would enjoy remembering some of the lighter moments during this journey. I hope you will smile, laugh and see the woman we all know tucked away in so many of these wonderful quips.


While showing me some scraps of material in the closet, "These have been here since I started working here.  I think I'm going to look for a new job." I told her when she found one to let me know, as I might want to work there too. Then we both laughed and laughed.


"I was talking to 'that lady'.  You know, the one that runs the restroom.  I told her that my grandchildren were here.  She didn't say anything, but she smiled and smiled at me." She said this when we were at the lake one day this summer. Just a week or two later while she and dad were picking Deb up at the airport she said something to this effect; "I just cannot believe that the same lady that runs our bathroom works here too!"


About her caregiver when dad goes to the farm; Beth - "It's so nice that she comes to help you." Mom - "I don't think she wants to help. She wants to be in charge."


A recurring theme for her is all the men that come to eat and how 'busy' she is making all this food. She conveyed to me that she was concerned that they would come for 'dinner' while she and I were gone. I said, "Mom, you know, I told dad that you are 82 years-old and you don't need to be doing all that cooking anymore. There are plenty of places to eat in town. They just need to go out." She replied, "Well yes, I suppose they could do that, but they like to come here because it's free."


To my sister Sue while they were getting in the car and driving; "Every time, I get in the car there is this old lady who is always watching me right outside my door here. (As she pointed to the passenger side mirror.)  If I smile at her, she will smile at me.  If I wave, she will wave back. Your dad always is telling me to quit waving at her!" Sue said, "Oh mom, that sounds just like something dad would say." Mom burst out laughing and so did Sue. They agreed that was certainly dad to a "T".


About accepting new things, "You know, I just have to decide that it will be okay and then I can adjust."


One day my sister Jean was scrubbing the kitchen floor. My mom said, "Oh, you can't do that! The lady that cleans does that and she will be so disappointed if you do it." Jean replied, "Oh I talked to her and she said I could do it today." Quickly mom shot back, "You're lying. She doesn't talk."


Whenever she sees her youngest Grandson, Landon; "You know, he is just the neatest guy! Here in the last year or so, whenever we come somewhere, he always comes to the door to meet me and helps me find my way. He is just so polite. You are just doing such a fantastic job with him."


Thanks, Mom. That means more than you could know. 


Enjoy the pictures of what was probably mom's 'last' Grandparent's Day with my kids at their school.

We love you Nanny! (Bailey, Lexis, Landon)

What was it like when...

Nanny and Lexis

Prayers Answered...And I'm Okay With That, Right?

Yesterday, my dad turned 81. Forty-two years ago yesterday, my grandmother (his mother) passed away after a long struggle with Rheumatoid Arthritis.  It just also happened to be my mother's due date - with me! It took another 10 days before I would arrive on the scene and they would give me the name that had also been hers; Elizabeth. She was so certain that I was a boy. But none-the-less, I'm sure she would have loved it that we share a name. Wish I could have met her.  Wish she could have held on long enough for someone to lay me in her arms, even just once.  Guess I just have to wait for Heaven.

Alas, I digress...So today, we went to one of dad's favorite restraunts for dinner to celebrate. It was wonderful to be together and celebrate. I think he really enjoys getting out and being with family. He gives more verbal indications of that, than he would have even a few months ago. I would imagine that it's rather lonely living with someone who now often does not seem like person you had lived with for almost 60 years.  Mom is declining. It feels sometimes like it is going way to fast.

One of the peculiar things about diseases like Alzheimer's is that you see a change and you adjust.  Then that starts to feel 'normal' and you find yourself thinking, "This isn't so bad. We can do this."  About that time, another big change occurs and once again sends your world into a tail-spin.  You fight to regain your balance and then the cycle begins again.  Right now we are in the tail-spin part of that cycle. Prayer answered.

Really??? How could that be an answered prayer, you may ask?  Months ago, I began praying that my mom would be able to attend and thoroughly enjoy my nephew's wedding in July.  In fact, I enlisted a small army of people to pray.  My mom came through with flying colors for the big weekend! It was such a joy to watch her that weekend, but yet bittersweet. The next "big" life event to occur will be my own daughter graduating from high-school. My dear, sweet mother may be with us still in body, but she will not be aware of that event in just under 3 years. I know that with all my being. I've struggled and mostly come to accept that, but it doesn't mean that I like it.

In my prayers I specifically petitioned God that she be able to be as "present" as possible for the wedding and after that?  I would lay down any selfish desires that I had concerning my mom and trust God. It's now been just a little over a month since the wedding and mom has changed significantly in that month.  It breaks my heart. It breaks all our hearts. My dad's heart is, I think, lying shattered everywhere.

Last week we got to spend some time at their house. My sister brought her grandbaby who is now almost two. After dinner, my mom was talking with her. Or more like, she was talking to mom in her own pseudo-language of half English and half toddler.  I watched from across the table as my mom used an empty plastic glass as a make-shift hat. She would put it on her head and then when it would slide off, they would both laugh and laugh. Over and over she did this and never did the trick become old to either of them. Tears filled my eyes as I watched her play with the baby just like she would have with any of her grandchildren and for those moments, she was my mom. More tears came and come again now as I realized I would never be able to watch her play with my grandchildren like that. Such a cruel disease.

So, God answered my prayers! Yay, right? I think so, I guess. Maybe I'm wondering if I can get a 'take back'? Maybe I'm not ok with this? Maybe I'll never be okay with this? I don't honestly know today. Perhaps tomorrow will be better or it may come with more change, still. Daily, Jesus asks me to lay my requests at his feet and to trust him.  I'm great at talking about that and I can even lay my requests before him. But, can I leave them there? That's a little more complicated, requires a lot more faith and a strong dose of dying to my own wants and desires.  I guess I am still working on that one...or perhaps God is still working on me.

Yesterday, Tim Tebow, my daughter's #1 hero had this verse on his Facebook status.  Jeremiah 26:14: "As for me, behold, I am in your hands; do with me whatever you think is good and right." Mom is in His hands. I know He is way bigger than this disease. Prayers were answered. I don't think I would ask for a "do-over" or a "take-back", even if I could.

10 x 6 = 60

Yesterday, June 5, was my parent's 60th wedding anniversary.  As my son would say, "That's a long time!" And indeed it is.  In 21st century standards, it is almost unheard of. What does it take to make a marriage last 60 years? Better yet, what does it take to make a GOOD marriage for 60 years? Maybe the answer is in the word 'good', minus an 'o' and capitalize the 'g'.  GOD. I'm not sure how you make a marriage 'good' without God. I mean let's think about it; 60 years with the same person through all kinds of trials, struggles, disappointments with some really good times thrown in the mix.  It's hard work to be married, yet my parents have always made it look incredibly easy. They had a few things going for them to begin with; such as almost identical socio-economic and religious backgrounds. They each had parents who loved and cared for one another, and they had a strong community of support through friends and relatives.

But I think for them it's more than that.  Marriage is probably one of the most self-less things you will ever do; if you do it right. I believe my parents have always put the other's needs before their own.  This seems to work particularly well, when both parties are doing it. It's often disasterous when one spouse abides by this principle and the other is slightly narcissistic! My dad has always been more concerned about my mom's happiness than his own and my mom has always been more concerned about my dad's happiness than her own.  Therefore, their lives have blended together in this beautiful harmony that has filled countless other lives with beauty. Hmmmm...it gives me pause to just sit and contemplate the blessing that has been in my life and potentially for generations to come. So far out of their seven grand-children, four have already chosen their marriage partners and I don't believe they could have possibly chosen any better than they have.  I can only hope and pray that my children will chose as wisely. Of course, while there is never a guarantee of success, it always helps to start with a good recipe.

This last week one of my very best friends lost her mother at the young age of 66.  No time to say good-bye.  No "I love you's" could be spoken.  She just went to her job in the morning and within a couple of hours she was gone.  I wrestle with the long, painful good-bye that we are all saying with my mom, but I can't imagine NOT saying good-bye.  Maybe in the end, it's just hard either way.  We don't get to choose the way we exit this life and very few of us will get to exit the way we would want. (For me, that would be napping on the beach at about age 95, having walked to the beach.)  Bottom line?  We don't know when our last conversation will be with those we love so we need to continue to appreciate the moments, because in the end they are all we have. Perhaps not many of us will have 60 years with our spouse. Maybe we can learn a few things from dad and mom. Putting others before ourselves results in some very beautiful moments, indeed.

School's Out...Oh No!!!

Yesterday was the first official day of summer break for me, for my kids and most of the city in which we live. Yikes! Why does this time always scare me so much?  And then why am I always so sad to see it end? Chores have been assigned, schedules are set and vacation time is planned. Many fun times will be shared this summer, yet for those of us who either choose to or have to work, the next couple of months evoke enough fear and guilt to send many of us over the edge; or at least to the wine cellar. It's been almost five months since I've blogged.  Can't believe it.  For the last several months, the guilt of not having blogged, kept me away from blogging longer still. Crazy!

Winter has passed, (thankfully) and spring is almost to a close. I planted tulips last fall and they came up beautifully! I was forced to smile each time I gazed upon them. Such a promise of new life and for me the signaling of the end of cold weather. I love warmer weather.  Don't get me wrong; I can do without 95 degrees with 95 percent humidity.  But give me 75 during the day and cool, crisp nights and I think I could live in those conditions for the remainder of my days.  Alas, I live in Nebraska and if we get a half-dozen of those days all year (without a 40 mile an hour wind) we consider ourselves lucky. Thankfully, I have been able to exercise outside pretty consistently the last month or so. Man, how I love that! But I'm never too caught up in my exercise to stop and listen to a Cardinal.  Cardinals absolutely fascinate me. I remember my dad pointing them out to me when I was a child. I can remembering him standing at the window looking for the beautiful red-feathered creature, with it's most distinct call. Were they a rarity 35 years ago? Or was he just fascinated with them too? I also gawk at the yards and landscapings of the beautiful homes I pass by.  Sometimes to the point where I nearly trip over uneven sidewalks! Today I stopped by a pond and just watched the water for a bit. Drink in the moments...

I would like to think that summertime will allow for more peaceful times to drink in moments, but like always, I'm sure we'll be going crazy after this week when there seems to be a lull between school and summer schedules.  We've got two on basketball teams this summer and next week they will play 6 games in three nights. I will "go" to work most days, even though "going" consists of padding over to my home office; which I have found to be both a blessing and a curse. Perhaps the bottom line is that I'm afraid that my "moments" with my kids are slipping away too fast. So when summer comes I get scared that I will miss the moments because of obligations to my job, laundry, cooking and activity schedules. Maybe that is why I am always scared to see it come, but sorry to see it end. Here we go...